I recently read The Time Traveler's Wife and its one of
those books that comes along every few years, where the story stays with you
long after you've turned the back cover and put it away. How exciting - How
absolutely bloody exhilarating to imagine if it were true. If one could keep
going back in time to re-live memories, to re-look at what happened, to be
happy again, be joyful again - I couldn't stop wondering, what if I could go
back to the happiest time of my life. What if!? I asked Vivek too, what he
would do if he could time travel, he gave me the silliest answer but then asked
me back and without a blink, I knew if I could, I'd go back to any point in the
first twelve years of my life. I'd go back to the time my dad was still around,
flesh and blood, carrying me around as a baby, singing me lullabies to sleep;
taking me to his board-meetings and letting me sit in the corner if I promised
to keep quiet and play with my coloring book; coming late to pick me up from
school every day but melting on the one day I cried and said I can't wait like
this every day; my first fracture and waking up with a hardened chiclet in my
mouth but sleeping safely in his arms (I still remember the dried tear on his
face that day); how I slept on his arm every day, even when it was swollen and
his worry was not the pain but how it would hurt my head. Its endless - the
memories, the moments. What seem like little milestones and little underlines
and highlights in the book of life today, were back then as trivial and as natural
as can be. I wish I could go back to any time in that part of my life and I
wish I could hold you once again.
But even if I can't, there's so much I want to tell you,
Papa.
I'm so much like you today. If you were around, I'm sure
you'd beam with the pride because even if I'm not perfect, I'm quite a perfect
reflection of yourself. It is not rare for people to classify my skin type as
wheatish, sometimes even dark, but they have no idea I wear this shade with
pride, for this was exactly how you were. I never got Mumma's white Sindhi
color and you'll agree she always looked like the better one when the three of
us went out! Today, everyone says I look like Mumma, but she and I both know
who I've taken after. I silently smile from within every time when someone says
I have beautiful hazel eyes, because I get that from you. I have your height,
your gummy toothy laugh, huge feet which bring me a lot of grief when I go buy
shoes - But still, It is so much of you that it becomes almost impossible to
hate these imperfect pieces of me. Forget the looks, there's so much of how I
am and how I behave which is how you used to be. I have your horrible temper,
your utter lack of patience and just enough regard for schedules that I never
reach some place early but always on time. I hate mornings, love the sunsets
and absolutely love packing and traveling and seeing new places every now and
then like you made sure we did every few months. I'm still a sucker for sweet
pongal, Rasam Rice and I still haven't eaten Laddoos like you always made for
Ganesh Chaturthi yourself. I love my wheels and I love speed and just the other
day I found myself telling someone who said I'm rash that I will accelerate
just as long as I know I can control my car. You always said the same thing. The,
déjà vus from decades ago don’t end!
I want to tell you that I fight less with Mumma, though
we've fought enough for a lifetime after you left. She loves me too and I know
that now though I always thought she hated me and you were all I had. I want you
to know that after you left, I had a void in my life where I never thought
anyone would love me unconditionally, with all my flaws and take care of me
like you used to. I fell in love with someone who comes very close though and
takes care of me every day - I think at times this is God's way of giving back
slowly what he took away a long long time ago.
You know, Just after you left, everyone's behavior changed
along with little things. My PTA meetings became very short; Mrs.Jacob who you
wrote a stinker to in my diary went from being always angry with me to now
being always sympathetic. There was so much pity in everyone's eyes for so long
- exactly the stuff you and I both hate, being an object of someone's sympathy.
People were extra nice for a while, they tried to be more inclusive, more
loving, brought more gifts, tried to visit more often - But it was short-lived.
Slowly, everyone went back to living their own lives and we went back to our
own even smaller lives. We weren't a nuclear family anymore, we had suddenly
been downgraded to a smaller term which wasn't even invented back then. Mumma
and I always got a table for four when we wanted a table in the family section
and always had to politely tell the waiters that yes, its just the two of us
and yes, it is still a family. Nevertheless, school went well - Despite all my
crying about Maths, I didn't drop it and continued to choose it till I could
and I did quite well, you'd have been happy! I did everything I promised you I
would - It is still an interesting story now for anyone who asks how did you
know you wanted to be doing what you're doing or why did you do your MBA? I
knew from when I was 8 years old, I wanted to be like you. I wanted to be
wonderful at business, earn, learn, spend my day productively to be able to be
self-sufficient and at times self-indulgent. I didn't become an entrepreneur
like I kept telling you though. But I have hope, I might just.
After 18 long years today, the memory of that day is still
so fresh. I can almost smell the smoke from the tar, almost see the mangled
steel, almost hear the screams around because our doors were stuck and people
around couldn’t pull us out of the crash. I'm sorry I asked to spend Christmas
when we were on holiday, I'm sorry we didn't return on the 25th like we had
always planned. Because then the 26th of December would have been just another
day on my calendar. I would spend many 26th Decembers getting over Christmas
hangovers like everyone else, I might have bought a small tree at some point in
my life, gone on vacation on this day - but I somehow can't. I can't get myself
to let this day pass without thinking over and over about how I should've been
less greedy for one more day because part of me thinks I ruined every day to
come. I hate that I wasn't awake that time so I could tell you to brake or I wish I could do something,
anything at all to stop this from having happened. I hate your last act of
selflessness telling me to give up my front seat for the first time ever,
because the sun was beating down upon us. It’s great having a eidetic memory to
remember dates for History or remember maps for Geography, but it is a curse to
remember how everything looked that day or to remember how my uncle's phone
number looked on the phone diary because the police needed an emergency contact
number to call; I hate that I remember how we shopped for that extra day of
holiday in Cochin, how the doctors had to cut through those brand new maroon
shorts to dress my wounds. Everything is alive, everything is fresh, everything
hurts. Even today.
I went years being a quiet child, rarely bullied because I
was somehow the tallest or biggest in class and the bullies wanted my notes so
quid pro quo, they never troubled me. I went years being a confused, troubled
teenager because it was very hard to cope with the fact that the one person who
"takes care of everything" in others' lives wasn't around. From the
big things such as going out to earn to the smallest things - fixing the bulbs,
cleaning the shower heads, tightening screws on the cooker, oiling the door
locks, peeling the mangoes patiently - We were by ourselves suddenly and it was
awful to be helpless and clueless but also alone at the same time. But with
time, something started changing. I found it easier to do these things - It was
not natural at first, but it wasn't a mountain to climb either. It also became
easy to make decisions and at times to handle grief. You know once someone
tried to break into our house when we were just the two of us, I remember how I
woke up and without a trace of fear called the police and spoke to them when
the sirens came blaring. I went out at 2 am and showed them where he came from
and where he must've escaped. All worry and fear apart, I felt grown up
suddenly and I have absolutely no idea where the strength came from. I think it
came from you.
So today, when I look back at perhaps how half my life has
shaped up, I've learnt that it is always important to tell people how much you
love them. If I could only go back to the last time we hugged that morning and
how you gave me your gulab jamun at breakfast, I would hold on for a bit longer
and tell you how much I love you. The twelve year old me would tell you how
important you are to me, how much it means to me when you come home before
bedtime so that I can sit and talk to you. I'd tell you how wonderful you are,
because you gave me so much love in twelve years that I'd treasure it for a
lifetime. I'd tell you that I agree I'm spoilt today, but I'll change tomorrow
even though you won't be around to see it. I'd tell you that someday I would
realize that people may adore and be extremely kind to a child like me but will
always truly love only their own - I'd come to realize that blood runs thicker
than water, that laws don't make parental relationships, blood does. I’d tell
you that you might not be there to find me a husband (because its already one
of your biggest worries even though I’m just 12 that someday I’ll have to leave
you!) but I will end up getting lucky in love and will be blissfully married.
I'd tell you that I'm never going to look at the sky and stars and pretend
you're one of them like the movies try to make you believe, because one day I
would come to understand that there is no better way you are alive than you are
in me. When I will look at the mirror when I'm 30, I'll look at my flaws and
zits and maybe I'll look at a lot of extra grams but when I look past that,
I'll be thankful that till the end of my forever, I'll continue to see a bit of
you every day and there's no greater gift than that to keep you alive for me.
