Breastfeeding - Where you're damned if you do, you're damned if you don't

 

Breastfeeding week concluded in August and despite wanting to write about it for oh, so long, its taken, well, oh-so long! But here

we are. There is no other topic I’ve found to be as polarizing to new parents as Breastfeeding. From the moment the nurse helps the baby in the delivery room to latch on and get the much coveted colostrum, the medical world pushes breastfeeding as the only possible option to feeding a newborn. They will mostly scoff at you if you are not able to feed and formula is needed. Come home and then you'll meet parents and relatives who will remind you that you were bottle fed so bottle is the way to go!

In my 16 month breastfeeding journey, there’s many things I’ve learnt and many things I’ve taught myself to not believe. Here’s 10 common hearsay/myths about breastfeeding. Its disappointing that many of these I’ve heard from our own elders who’ve often discouraged me from feeding, or at minimum scoffed at why my child does not take the bottle.

 

1. It doesn’t fill a baby up. It only contains water.
1. Truth: Breastmilk contains milk, sometimes richer than any other form of milk. Only the initial milk of every feed is watery and honestly containing H2O which is also necessary because up until 6 months, the baby cannot have even water alone. Hindmilk or the milk that comes after a few minutes of suckling contains rich, fatty milk which in the initial few months, puts a baby to sleep in no time.
2. It is not nutritious The most nutritious milk in the world is not Cow’s milk, it is not Camel’s milk. It is breast milk. There is nothing that comes close to it in terms of nutrients, antibodies, Breast milk has hormones and the right amount of protein, sugar, fat and most vitamins to help your baby grow and develop. It protects them from illnesses, ear infections, colds and what not. I’ve had more than a few instances where I believe nursing Vir has gotten rid of his sniffles.
3. After 4-5 months, a baby has to switch to formula.
1. Truth: No. It isn’t mandatory. You can switch if it is convenient, but it isn’t recommended if you’re able to breastfeed. Yes, you will notice a dip in supply, that’s mostly because your body has adapted to your child’s feeding pattern and knows when and how much to make. Also, the baby has become a bit of an expert, efficiently emptying breasts in minutes. I know of women who’ve stopped nursing after 4 months, because they saw supply diminish – I was one of them too. I tried to make the switch to formula because I thought Vir was going hungry. He showed me the way, rejected and refused the bottle, was diagnosed with a form of GERD and silent reflux, making doctors push me even harder to breatfeed and make the move to solids at 5 instead of 6 months. So, after turning 16 months old, here we are. Now, Vir eats a variety of solids, nuts, vegetables and even has his cow’s milk hot chocolate, but he continues to breastfeed a few times a day and I’m more than glad that we still want to and can.
4. You cannot feed while taking medicines
1. Truth: Many medications are nursing safe. All you need to do is let your doctor know and you will be prescribed accordingly.
5. Recently COVID vaccinated mothers should not breastfeed
1. Truth: Even the Indian Medical Association withdrew the initial recommendation advising lactating mothers to not take the vaccine. My gynaec and Vir’s pediatrician encouraged me to get vaccinated and I was there on Day 3 of when vaccinations opened for 18+ aged Indians. I infact remember reading an article about how a pregnant nurse in the U.S. took the COVID vaccine when she was 7 months pregnant and when her baby was born, it was born with COVID antobidies.
6. Breastfeeding is stress free
1. Truth: Breastfeeding is NOT stress free. Yes, it is convenient, you can feed any time, any where (almost!). Nights are easier, you don’t need to scramble to make a bottle during a night waking. But, breastfeeding is very stressful. Am I making enough? Is he still hungry? Oh no, he’s teething again. Oh no, its that time of the month (Breastmilk changes taste during those days and the baby gets fussier in general to feed). After a few months, the baby wont even fall asleep with the breast alone. So, congratulations – find a new way to make the monkey sleep.
7. Nursing mothers cannot eat Mangoes, brinjal or have coffee
1. Truth: Partially and only in the initial months. After which, life has gone back to normal.  
8. Breastfeeding makes a baby clingy and dependent
1. Truth: I’ve seen some babies (exclusively formula fed and some exclusively breastfed) be way more clingy than my child is or ever has been. It’s a child specific trait and has nothing to do with breastfeeding. Just about who the child finds comfort with.
9. Breastfed babies will not sleep through the night
1. Truth: Can’t be further from the truth. This again differs from baby to baby. A formula fed or even breastfed baby also wont sleep through the night if he doesn’t know how to connect sleep cycles or is dependent on sleep crutches such as rocking. Once the child learns to connect one sleep cycle with the next and is well fed just before they go to bed, they may sleep through the night quicker. Sometimes breastfed babies wake purely for a comfort feed – but so do formula fed babies and even exclusively solids feeding toddlers. They may wake for a quick snuggle, reassurance that you’re around, their pacifier. Anything. Sleeping through the night has as much to do or not to do with breastmilk as it does with formula milk.
10. If you don’t nurse you are a bad Mom.
1. Truth: This is the biggest and worst myth I’ve heard. Some women can not nurse for physiological, psychological or logistical reasons. Some do not want to. Which is absolutely fine. Motherhood in nuclear families, especially if you’re a working Mom, is about survival. You do what ever you can, to make it. If you can breastfeed, you do that. If you can not and do not want to, so be it. It is your choice. You carried that child inside of you before he came into this world. You will continue to be the best Mom for him and you are all he needs. Breast or no breast, nothing takes that away.  

Our frequency of breastfeeding has reduced but its still some of the most fun times of the day he and I spend together. We point at each other’s noses. tickle each other’s tummies and laugh. Do I have a plan to wean, No – I don’t even know how I’m going to do it and it worries me how we’ll both wean. Do I regret doing it for so long – No.

For you, Vir. A thousand times over. 

Papa wali Diwali

Festivals are the hardest. They will be for a long time to come, especially when the one person who was the most excited about them isn’t around. Papa during most times was excited to make stuff happen, fix things, make hundred trips to the market - during Diwali, he was another level. 

If we reached Mumbai early, we’d also go participate in buying new Torans for the door, in buying new lights if the old “Chinese walein” have given up. We’d definitely be out buying new clothes (this meant dragging him to Inorbit or Seawood and forcing him to buy a new Kurta, then go crazy with our shopping and have him tired by 9 pm, only recharged by that Thali he’d have at the Food Court). Last year we were in Bangalore, so we made a trip to Fabindia and somehow to make him and Vivek twin with Vir's red kurta, we all ended up buying red and looking like a tomato basket in Diwali photos.  Sometimes we’d clean (this meant Vivek cleaning the fans and Papa saying next year main Urban clap karwaunga for sofas). We’d sit and open gifts he’d get from office staff and business associates and telling him some maal is pretty blah. Atleast 2 days before Diwali, he and Vivek would be putting up lights on all the balconies and doing multiple dry runs (are the sliding doors shutting, are there any clothes around, how does it look neeche se). Oh, he absolutely loved the lights and the whole process of putting them up with junction boxes, paper clips, etc.

 

My first Diwali in the family 

Then, Diwali day morning would involve a compulsory trip to the market for fresh flowers, rangoli powder (he always knew I had white at home but made me buy extra just in case) and crackers. Oh, the crackers. He’d always say “hum buddhe ho gaye” but at the cracker market, he was a child. He’d ask for 7 shots, bombs and then say Mummy ke liye thode anaar, pencil le lo. We’d then stop by a general store to buy candles -  always. Always. Then we’d drive home, sometimes stop to buy fresh kulfis or Naturals icecream, then eat Rajma or Chhole and then pass out.

 

By 4, it would be time to put the rangoli. A groggy me would wake from my nap to either find Papa standing at the balcony and watching over other houses and their set up or watching something on his tab. He’d then go to make chai and start evening prep while I’d kick Vivek out of bed to help (Yes, equality). Rangoli would be in progress while likely someone came over to visit and was fed Laddoos and Namkeen made at home, while Papa would be watching his watch closely to prepare for evening Puja accordingly. He’d come out every 30 mins, check on the Rangoli and tell me if it was symmetrical, where it was looking good or not. Then, once it was over – it was then time for everyone to scramble and get ready. He’d be sitting putting the wicks on the diyas – He and I were the only ones who’d roll the wicks nicely but of course he had no patience to wait. By the time we’d all get ready, he would then run to the shop nearby and buy fresh, hot jalebis and milk for kaccha doodh and jalebi.  We’d then all scramble in the Mandir room and seating arrangements would be sorted – chair for Mummy, our in-house Panditayan, while we would sit on our mattresses and grab a Puja book for the aarti. Papa would diligently do the Aarti while we sang, someone missing one line here or there because the books are different. Then he would pass the Aarti to Vivek to take it to each room and return. Then we would be given money to place in the Mandir and pray, while everyone was eyeing the prasad. The mithai would then be distributed among everyone, in the order of Doodh Jalebi, some Mithai and Layi Pataashe. While we took our picks with the Mithai, Papa would be polishing off 1-2 more bonus jalebis 😊 Last year, we were in Bangalore for the first time for Diwali and he grabbed Vir and held him throughout the Puja, happily singing and showing him the Mandir. 

 

Holding Vir all through Diwali Puja

Then we would light the diyas, place all around the home and then it would be photo time. We’d force him to pose for family photos – heck, once we even made a Diwali wishes video and made him say a few things. Last year was the first time I saw him put his arm around Mummy and say take one picture of the both of us like this. He was just cute in his own way! 

Diwali last year and the picture he made me take with his arm around Mummy

And then it would be cracker time! Papa would be the first one to run down with the crackers and set up. Candles would be lit and sparklers would be opened by the time the rest of us reached downstairs. He’d start with one sparkler and then as his diligent assistant, it was my job to make sure a new sparkler was being lit before the dying one would burn out. He’d get angry if there wasn’t a sparkler lit and then grump about a little bit to light a new one – it takes time to light a new one, as you imagine and he had zero patience! I’d send him off saying Jaao bomb jalaa lo tab tak and he’d run with a sparkle in his eye figuring what to burn now. Vivek would be standing on the side with his Mom, then he’d take some sparklers for her and then go light some flowerpots himself. Papa would scoff and say “Chalo bomb le aao, hum jalayenge”. I’ll admit I used to burst bombs with my dad when he was alive, then I stopped after he passed because I was scared to do it alone and my Mom was scared of bombs too. With Papa, I got more brave and would buy stuff that would look so freaky, but I knew he’d light them with me if I chickened out. He always did! He’d save the 7 shots till the end, so we end on a good note – sometimes it wouldn’t burst as wonderfully as the guy selling promised – He’d say “Agli baar yahan se nahi lenge”. Knowing fully well no one remembers who we bought it from if we were told to go the next day even.

 

This cracker fan!

Then we would finish our stock of crackers, go up and wash up quickly because it was time for dinner! We never ate dinner at home on Diwali day – there was so much to do all day anyway, we would go out for dinner or order in. If we were going out, we’d end up at a restaurant bursting with people and be standing out waiting for a table – He’d make ten trips to the door and be like “Aur kitna time?” and come back and report status. Then we’d get our table and eat like we hadn’t eaten in days, though remember – We have already stuffed ourselves with Rajma or Chhole for lunch!! In the recent few years, it became an added ritual to go drive around the area and see how houses were lit up and then finally also see how the NMMC (Navi Mumbai Municipal Corporation) building was lit up. The last time we were there, it had become so popular, with carts selling food and people sitting on the lawns. He said “Saala ab yahan bhi parking ki fight ho jayegi”. Then we’d pack into the car all tired, after a Diwali well spent. Once, I dragged everyone to an icecream parlor for stone beaten icecreams. He scoffed at the sounds and the beating of the icecream, but eventually he enjoyed his dessert.

 

One of those trips to NMMC building and a visibly tired Papa

We’d go home and then take a survey of the diyas – which ones survived the wind, which candles went off, which ones are good quality to be bought next time! We’d change and watch KBC, or Bigg Boss (Yes, Mummy and Vivek would make us!) and then look at Whatsapp statuses and photos and see how the others spent Diwali. Papa would go fall asleep first, while the rest of us would soon follow. The next day would be Bhai Dooj generally, when he would be up and ready in the morning in a crisp Kurta pyjama. We’d make Bread rolls and Halwa and the brother and sister would crib about having to have a bath so early in the morning but they wouldn’t be allowed breakfast before the small ritual, so they had to. We’d then do the Tikka and money would be exchanged – He would always keep cash ready and generously part with it. Last year I got to do the Tikka and tie the Mauli for him and I made an earning myself!

Bhaidooj last year

It was a dark Diwali this year without you, Papa. We did dress Vir up in new clothes, I’d have made sure you twin with him in a blue kurta. We did buy Jalebis, but nothing compares to getting doodh jalebi distributed by you after Puja. We did light diyas, unsupervised and it was not fun. We watched others burst crackers and light up their balconies and it broke our hearts – never has an otherwise celebratory explosion of light and color been more painful than yesterday. You made sure I had the most fun Diwalis every year since I came into your family. I do promise that we will do our best to do everything like you used to in the coming Diwalis, so Vir can see Diwali from his Dadu’s eyes. He’ll grow to love crackers and lights like you, be excited like a little child for Diwali forever, like you. I know you’ll be watching from above and wanting to come do something with us because we’re doing it wrong or slow. We wish you could do that too – We miss you sorely, everyone knows it is going to be hard without you, but no one warns you that festivals are going to be the hardest.

Vir on Diwali this year

Happy Diwali, Papa – Eating extra Mithai on your behalf, not the bekar anjeer wali, the good Kaju Badam wali! 😊 

1 Month to Papa, 1 Month to life without our Superman

23 years ago, I lost my dad in an accident. We were driving back to Bangalore, excited to be home, we crashed and he passed away almost instantly.

One month ago, I lost my second dad. He too was on his way driving to Bangalore, excited to be with us, he had an attack and passed away in a day.

Both dads left us suddenly, in a blink. Both fortunately didn’t survive to lead half-lives saddled with injuries or dependence on others for basic things which would probably have driven both of them to abject sorrow. That’s the only way the ones left behind can look at things and find solace.


There’s a ton of things I learnt from my Dad in the 12 years I knew him – thanks to him taking me everywhere and telling me everything he was doing, including having me sit with a coloring book at one of his General Body meetings when I was 8. He’s the reason I have an urge to figure out things, fix things and then revel in the achievement of how amazing it became. I spent the next 13 years after he left, picking up the pieces and learning to live independently – be it washing the car, or fixing the showerhead, or fixing bulbs, paying the bills and doing everything. And then I fell in love and found myself become part of this family with someone who went on to be just like my Dad, someone who took care of us all and became that safety blanket I knew I had to fall back on always. The first glimpse I had of this was when we were headed to Mumbai for our reception after our wedding in Bangalore – we got off our cabs once we reached the airport and all the women started walking to the terminal. I lifted the trunk of my cab and went to pick up my suitcase (I was not used to anyone doing this for me) like no biggie, chooda and unnecessary jewelry jangling and what not. He grabbed my suitcase from me. I told him that I’ll carry it and he said – “Aap akeli ho toh ye sab kar lena, mujhe aaj uthane do” (Okay, so you can do this when you’re alone, but when I’m here please let me do this). It was the first of many times he’d take care of me and remind me how much one can enjoy having a dad to spoil you. That’s just how he was. And in the time we spent together, there’s so much more I learnt from him too.

• Respect your work; and everyone else’s
• Papa worked for the same company for all his life – from being a simple junior engineer employee, to being mentioned in their annual reports 30 years later. Gammon was his second home, its problems were his problems, for the longest time. In the last few years despite his ‘retirement’, he still found a way to work with them in some capacity or the other. He really enjoyed working and staying busy and productive. And this quality of his allowed him to respect our jobs and effort. When he saw me awake one morning at 5 am to set up and open a dataroom for a divestiture, he didn’t tell me to shut down and go to sleep, he asked me to eat something. When he saw us working from home, on calls, he didn’t once interrupt or once belittle our jobs just because we weren’t in the office or out and about in the traditional sense. His appreciation and respect for work is something we could all learn – Especially when many people still behave as if working from home means the company pays me to sit and dang my keyboard and talk to 1-2 people a day. He understood that even if that’s all one did but did it all day – it could be tiring.

• Bond and connect with kids
• Back when Vivek and I were dating, his roommate saw Vivek’s parents at the train station when he came to drop Vivek off. He came back and told me – “Japoo, I can tell you this – His dad looks very strict and serious, but He’s the one who will be the softee. He’ll be really nice to you.” I swear I never believed him because Papa’s first impressions to me were genuinely intimidating – even if that lasted only for the first few times I met him. But for however grumpy he looked on the outside, when he met a child, he became a child. He knew just how to go to their baby levels to bond with them. And I’m yet to see a child who didn’t enjoy his company. He met Vir for a precious few 2.5 months, but he held him at every opportunity he could. He would try to calm him down when Vivek and I struggled, he’d take him to the balcony and play old hindi songs, he’d grab his pram when we stepped out, hold him during Diwali Puja and Bhai dooj, play with him religiously every morning, noon and night. If he was watching an extremely intriguing episode of Mirzapur he’d still turn it off if Vir was awake and say “Aao ji” and play with him. He spoke to him on video after that and every time he’d see Vir, he would greet him in a typical sing song Helloooooo and Vir would beam with happiness. Vir still looks at his Dadu’s photo and wonders why he isn’t speaking through the frame. It breaks my heart everytime he points at it and smiles.

• Adapt to technology
• Papa was growing older, but his mind was sharp as a razor. He was already the only person in his age group I know who could skillfully make all his utility payments online, book movie and play tickets on BookMyShow, back up photos to his laptop and clear up his phone. With COVID and OTT content going enormously available, he quickly made the switch and if we became Netflix and Prime junkies, he would watch Netflix, Prime, Hotstar, Zee, Sony, MX, Jio – Everything! And he would give US reccos! He learnt how to use PayTm and UPI and on our birthdays and anniversaries, he’d promptly transfer money and tell us to buy something nice for ourselves since we cannot all be together right now. He would connect on Zoom during Lockdown 1.0 and play Family housie like a Pro. He cringed at some technology advancements, but never rejected them. He adapted, he survived, he thrived.

Unshaven Lockdown look - but always on time for Family Housie! 

• Go everywhere!
• Papa spent so much of his life working, but from what I hear from Vivek, he made the time to show the kids what ever places he could – Whether it be a Rajasthan or Kerala trip combined with some wedding, or simple weekend getaways. In the last few years, he was open to all places – We went to Daman & Diu, Coorg and Ajanta Ellora caves together. He also made the time to do two Europe trips with Mummy and really soaked in what each country had to offer. He came back with stories of haggling with some shopkeeper, or helping a couple retrieve their phones and passports. He was sort of ticking off a bucket list. A reminder to us all to live life to fullest and see as much of the world as possible – Life is really way too short.

Somewhere in Europe

At the Rann of Kutch

     

• Stay connected, not overly social
• Papa knew what was going on in everyone’s lives – Without snooping. He always stayed in touch with his brothers, his family, his friends, without being extra social. He made an effort to genuinely ask and understand what everyone was doing and if there was something he could help with. That’s just how he was – He never made a big deal about you not calling him, if he wanted to talk to you, he’d pick up the phone and talk. Whether 5 mins, or 15 mins. I remember initially after our wedding, I’d talk to Papa for 10-15 mins on the phone every few days, sometimes when he was on his way back home and we’d talk about a new movie, a new investment, some new random rules, my traffic ticket, anything random. I’m going to sorely miss having someone to call saying Hellooooo Papa and have a Hulloooo ji come on the other side – He’d answer my call even if he was driving, check if it was an emergency and then say he’d call me back in 30 mins, and he always would. He’s probably the only person from the family who asked me early on about my dad, what he did for a living, how he passed away, where his family was and what really had happened in my life – And he seemed like he always genuinely unbiasedly cared about it.

• Fix things and stay organized
• Mr. Fix It. He would fix everything that was broken, without making a big fuss about it, without you even realizing it was broken in the first place. Be it renewing an insurance policy, updating a passbook, fixing the car, a leaking roof, a broken door knob, he was always at it wherever he went. He always did some home improvement or the other when he visited us and slowly it grew on us, so when we would fix something at home, we’d tell each other how proud he would be if he saw us do this and I’d remember to show him when he visited us next. It was like getting a star in your report card from the teacher and he never held back on that! He also was so incredibly organized, it could put Marie Kondo to shame. If he and I were given the same number of things to pack in a bag, I’d use two and he’d neatly pack everything in one. He was organized with his passwords, his accounts, everything. It’s a lesson to learn and imbibe – because it just became a way of living for him! I still remember him and I exchanging a whispered chuckle when I praised his choice of bag to so neatly hold cash to keep placing into the rituals during my sis in law’s wedding havan – with the pandit reciting mantras in the background and so much else going on. He was amazing, he truly was! 

• Always value money
• Papa came from humble beginnings and he never forgot that. Whether or not he had the money, he strongly discouraged wastage of any kind. He was prudent in the holidays he booked, he’d take the train if the flights were crazy expensive, he’d use a simple tab even if he could afford the best iPad in town, he’d re-use kurtas from years even if we’d force him to buy new ones. He taught me how one can be content without splurging and one’s expenses needn’t explode basis their incomes.

• Stay up to date with trends and current affairs and keep reading
• If he were alive today, He’d have an opinion on the Afghan crisis, the Olympics, the third wave, Kohli’s dismal individual performance in the last test – Everything. And he’d generally be backed by reading and facts, not just whatsapp university. He used his Kindle well for a long time, moving to his tablet and always took my book recommendations seriously. One of the earliest conversations we had was sitting outside the Taj Mahal while the rest of the family went to look at the maqbaras – I unable to, because of an ankle sprain, he out of disdain. And we ended up chatting away for those 30 mins from everything – Drone attacks, to Mughal atrocities, to how dirty the Yamuna is, everything. He just was like that – sometimes Father like, sometimes Friend like. Heck in his last days, he even used the Pawri ho rahi hai meme super aptly.

• The little things matter
• He did the little things for people without them asking for it – He made sure Vir saw some atleast one sparkler on his first Diwali (Though he ended up burning his own hand while holding it up for Vir!), he made sure to order some sweets and snacks from my favourite place on Swiggy for my first Mother’s Day. When we’d go to Mumbai, he’d make sure to buy Kulfis because I would stuff my face with them and stock the fridge (even though at times the others reminded him – but if everyone forgot also, the next day, he’d find a way to remember and do it himself). He used to read my blogs and sent me a whatsapp telling me how he loved what I wrote about learning from Vir and how I should write more – It’s a message I’ll save forever.

• Love your food – with no hesitation
• Papa truly loved his khana – And he was unabashedly open about it. He didn’t care if someone said he ate one sweet too many, he’d sulk about it that night but the next day he w
  ent at it with just as much joy. We loved talking about food and trying new things with him – He got around to really appreciating baos and chicken cooked in pandan leaves. He'd ask with a twinkle in his eye "Achha ye kya cheez hai?" and then he'd give it a fair chance even if it was a very foreign looking thing! The last thing he kept talking about eating was Biryani from Biryani by kilo and Vivek and I made plans to get him 2-3 different types of Biryani when he got here. In the last few months, every time I ate a bunch of purani sabzis, I’d plate it neatly and send him a whatsapp saying “See, aaj ka lunch – Miscellaneous” and he’d say “Very good, I'm eating chhole!”. I learnt from him to not be ashamed of what you truly love! Eat dil khol ke 😊 I'm going to miss you everytime I eat something spicy, or sweet or basically anything tasty! 

Thank you, Papa – for returning a little bit of Dad to me when I thought it was all gone. Thank you for the Father-daughter moments – The getting yelled at for taking you to Ae Dil Hai Mushkil or you insisting I navigated wrong because you turned left instead of right (😊). The ganging up against Mummy for the last piece of mithai she would auto assign to Vicky. The way you’d say “Ab Bas” and pass back the popcorn or nachos, but we all knew you’d take another bite when passed, though you’d tell us we’re forcing you to eat. The terrible Whatsapp jokes that you’d send us and then still read out to us and make sure we laughed at them. The very amusing phone calls when you’d call to ask me how to get Mummy’s phone off silent mode when the toggle was the only thing down, the conversations about world news, EPF interest rates, Bond movies, my father, everything under the sun. The many many stories you told me that began with “Humare Zamane mein” and though I had heard them 10 times, I’d still pretend like it was brand new, because I loved to watch you narrate them with child like enthusiasm. The sitting in the car version of the Mumbai darshan I’d ask you to take me on and you always obliged.

The three of us headed to Daman & Diu - Minutes before Papa & I argued over Google maps!

The heavens are richer now that you’re there – I really hope both my Papas are sitting on their comfy armchairs, a beer in hand, some chicken in the other and watching us fondly. THANK YOU for accepting me as I am, never judging me for being unlike most girls, for always having my back, for 10 years of beautiful memories, for holding us all together like glue, Papa. Thank you for BEING my Papa.

You will be missed every single day.

Our Sagan

300 Days of Vir

300 Days of Vir. And a lot happened in the last 100 days. He started saying Mumma (YAY!!!), he started crawling, cruising, sprouted many more teeth and now is on the verge of running around the house independently, meaning its time to lose the left over hair I have on my head! Its also been a challenging time around us – With the world becoming a scarier place, lockdowns returning and house arrest becoming a norm, its been hard on us and maybe more on him – He can’t really tell us how frustrated he feels but crawling to his pram every now and then is heartbreaking enough.

 

Mothers’ Day just passed us by as well. And I couldn’t help but be insanely excited about the day. My first ever. Though, it ended up being a pretty shitty day eventually, reaffirming that the more one expects from a day, the more one is doomed. On Mother’s Day last year I was doing my best to keep this little Lionel Messi in my tummy happy by eating a lot of mangoes around this time of the year! I’ve been a mother for 9.5 months now, Vir’s been out in the world about as long as he’s lived rent-free inside of me. If I could go back to last year, I’d probably want to give my 2020 self this advice:

 

1. There will come along many Maria Montessoris in your life. Who will tell you what your child is feeling, what your child needs, what you should or shouldn’t do as a parent all from miles away on video calls or whatsapp texts. Listen to all reasonable advice. Do what your gut tells you. You know your baby like no other, trust yourself. Let the Marias chatter away. If they were this awesome and such experts at baby raising, they’d be minting millions selling books on parenting. Parenting is like learning to ride a bike, you can hear about how its done, see how its done, but until you get on that goddamn bike, you’re never going to ride. And its your bike – Ride it up the hill if you want to, let both hands go and enjoy the ride if you want to.

 

2. Prepare for sleepless nights –Prepare to nurse him at very odd hours very often. But, also prepare for the biggest smile when he sees your face first thing in the morning. You are his whole world, nothing can come close to that.

 

3. Even him sneezing is going to send you into a tizzy initially. You are going to obsess about your food, his intake, his diapers, his blackout blinds, his sleep cycles, everything initially. Find a pediatrician who can deal with YOU (Oh, Thank God for Dr.Amitoj and the million emails and texts he deals with)! But trust the doctor over all the Maria Montessoris in your life.  

 

4. Remember you will at times prioritize your child over the husband. And that is fine. But remember, who held your hand during pregnancy and who was with you when you couldn’t push anymore and almost passed out. Go back to sleep at night, reminding him he’s just as important to you, though your heart is bigger now to accommodate another inmate!

 

5. There will be times people will say very hurtful things to you in apparent jest. Someone will tell you your child has lost weight – Why aren’t you feeding him? They will not see how you struggle to make him eat that bowl of solids you’re so persistently trying to get him to eat. They don’t see you try to find new and safe foods to try regularly, your effort, your prep, they don’t see your child’s face pushing his food away and crying at times. Don’t let such people get to you. They’ve not raised any hallmark children anyway, so let it pass. Tell them to go have that mango milkshake your child unbelievably refuses!

 

6. YOU ARE ALONE. Have been for all your life since your dad left. You will bring this child into the world alone, bring him back home to an empty house with no fanfare. 2020 was already bad, but 2021 will see you feeling more alone than you’ve ever been – physically and emotionally. You will not see parents, family and friends for months and months at end. Your world will be your home. Embrace it, because it will get to you and there’s nothing you can do about it. There will come very very dark days when you feel you cannot go on and you’ll wish you could put an to everything and just vanish into thin air, but at those times more than ever, look at your child and be happy for this ray of sunshine in your life. Every day that you spend with him is a gift – Even if he’s climbing over your face to get to that toy.

 

7. No one will see what you or how hard you struggle to survive every single day with everything around and yet trying to be a good mother. People will mope when you don’t answer the phone or call them back, but they won’t realize what you’re dealing with which makes you so apparently busy. Learn to move past people who can never give you the compassion and love you need, but demand your time and attention at all times they are free. There'll also be people who will check on you every day even at very random times in the day because they know you'll be up to make sure you're okay. Hold them close, they're the ones who matter. 

 

8. Your child will cry – A lot. Maybe more than other kids (Maria Montessoris will tell you her child never cried – Poof, the lies), maybe less. But he cannot speak and crying is his only way to express he doesn’t like to do something or he needs help with something. He will also laugh – a lot. And those few minutes will be the happiest you’ve ever been in your life. Be the glass-half-full kinda girl now more than ever.

 

9. Your work will suffer – Atleast initially when you start working again. There’ll be times you won’t be able to give that project a 100% like before. Stay calm and move on. It will fall back on track soon.

 

10. There’s going to be people who will tell you very proudly how after they had their baby, it was all about the baby and never themselves. Of how, motherhood was absolutely the best thing that’s ever happened to them and it was a joyride all the way. Firstly, I don’t believe it. There are times motherhood is not a walk in the park and you’re going to wonder what ever happened to your life but if you wonder out aloud, people are going to hate you and think you’re a bad mother. Secondly and more importantly. – YOU ARE just as important as the baby and if you don’t take care of yourself, how are you going to take care of your child or anyone else. You can’t pour from an empty cup. You’re exactly what your child needs and how he needs it – So whenever you can, try to make the time to do what you like – Write, watch rubbish on Netflix, eat that extra icecream – try to do what makes you happy and do it often. You’ve earned it now more than ever!  

250 Days of Learning from Vir

It’s been almost 250 days he’s been in our lives, but every day that I watch this child, I have so much amazement and joy at the things he does and the things he teaches me in the process. I know many of these things all babies do. I understand this is not unique. I know things can and will change. He’ll grow and likely develop more complex emotions and characteristics. But so far, it has been beautiful to watch this little human grow. Here’s six of the many things I’ve learnt from Vir so far:  

1. Commitment - From the last one month, all that Vir wants to do all day long, is to stand. He discovered somehow (I give this to Vivek) that if someone holds his hands, he can stand –  how ever briefly and how ever wibbly wobbly that may be. Forward to one month ahead, now from the minute he wakes up and says Good morning with that toothy smile, he looks at the bed railing that’s supposed to protect him if he rolls over; and he wants to stand. He only wants you to take him next to it, he’ll do the rest. He tries to hold the bucket and tub when he’s bathing to stand. He tries to find something to grip on even if he’s strapped on to his own feeding seat and yes, you guessed it, tries to stand. He goes to play on the swing and he tries to hold the chains and stand. He does this till the second he’s taken to bed at night and passes out. Sometimes in the middle of the night feeds also, he wants to stand! Every time I look at him do this, it hits me. I’ve never ever been so committed about anything in my life – And I thought I’ve been pretty committed about some shit in the past. I took a year off after college because I didn’t get into the universities I wanted to, then I aced the entrance a year later. I spent 27 notebooks in one year in my 12th standard because my Math wasn’t the best and my Math teacher hated me – I got a 100 in the finals. I (okay, we) endured a lot of crap to finally be with Vivek and we make it work 10 years later too. BUT. I do not have this level of insane focused commitment that this child does and never have. I’m 35 and I’ve read many quotes and books that preach this, but he’s showed me up close and real that if you really want to do something, you’ve got to be at it from morning to night. Maybe, we’ll use this commitment for a startup someday! After we get some 6 hours of sleep at night, first.
2. Treat everyone with love & respect - Respect everybody: This is something I learnt from my dad too – To be kind to everybody. Whether the waiter, the watchman, the newspaper hawker, the lift man, everybody. Vir’s truly inherited it from his grand father. He gives the maid the biggest smile every day when she sees him in the morning and says Hello. He wants to grab the watchman’s hat, smiles at everyone in the lift and every waiter in the very few cafes we’ve taken him to. We moved to a new place two months ago and when I go down, people call me Vir’s Mumma (A mom has no name – remember) and tell me how he smiles at them and talks to them every day! He goes happily to my Yoga instructor, to all my friends and some of their pretty dangerous offspring too. Touch wood, let’s hope this Leo baby doesn’t suddenly display Vivek’s obvious Cancerian and my latent Piscean introvertedness. 
3. Be open - He may decide later he hates it and he won’t let you try to feed him another bite. But he will try every single new thing if you put it in front of him for the first time and swallow it – Steamed broccoli (!), Blanched and pureed spinach, Avocado mash, Chickoo (Sorry, but I won’t eat this for a million bucks).
4. Be Assertive - Vir knows when to say No. Even if he cannot say the N and the O. He has always been the kind of baby who refused something if he didn’t want it and God knows, no one can force it on him. No one has ever been able to give him the bottle if he didn’t want it, No one’s been able to give him the pacifier, No one can force solids on this child if he does not want to. In retrospect, these are all excellent things he’s decided to refuse. His methods may suck (read: obscenely, intense crying and deafening screams), but I have got to give it to him. Even someone as stubborn as me has given in to things at times – but you’ve gotta learn how to push back on something you don’t want to, no matter how strong, or how many people on the other side, even if you happen to be 1/20th of their combined stature!
5. Don’t bear grudges - There are some 3 and 4 am wakings which are absolutely painful and God knows Vivek and I do our best to be as calm as possible. But after 90-120 minutes of nothing working, we’ve both had our times when we’ve lost our cool and raised our voice and said “Please ab toh so jaa!”. He realized someone’s yelling at him and he only cried even louder, till we mellowed down and somehow made him sleep and when he finally woke up in the morning, he looked at us with the same love as always. No grudges. Vivek would be most happy if I learnt this from Vir 😝
6. Find joy in simple things - There are times I’ve seen Vir find more joy from the plastic wrapper of a toy more than the toy itself; from an almost dead balloon more than a bouquet of balloons itself; from my hair or face than some fancy rattle. Vir’s taught me that it’s easy to find joy in the little, sometimes unnoticed things around you.

Here's praying he continues to grow and teach us some beautiful things along the way. God knows, we could all do with a lot more positivity in our lives!

200 days of Vir and Vir's Mumma

 

It is some coincidence indeed, that 200 days of Vir, 200 days of VIr’s Mumma and 200 days of maternity leave all come on the same day. I started work today and my heart is full – of joy watching my now not ‘new born’, but now ‘infant’ babble, roll over and look at me beaming in joy every time I enter the room after a prolonged gap of precisely five minutes! My heart is full – knowing I have this monkey to return to, whenever offices reopen and physical presence, aka commute horrors return. So much has happened in the last 200 days, or even 100 days. It all warrants documentation!

 

For starters, some aunties I was speaking to after several months congratulated me generously but immediately asked me “Kaisa feel ho raha hai Mummy ban kar”. This question took me by utter surprise, because I wasn’t sure I’m supposed to feel things that can be elaborated in words. Not sure of the way to proceed, I said “Hmmm, sab kuch feel ho raha hai.”

 

*Gasp*

*How Could she*?!

**Beeeeeppp** Wrong answer!

 

The other aunty immediately sprung into action. And told me “Bol na, achha lag raha hai? Achha hi lag raha hoga”. I learnt in this very moment, two VERY important things:

1. My feelings about being a mother are so extremely and ferociously personal, that nobody, not even my own mother or anyone’s mother can understand.
2. I feel many things – I feel joy at my child’s toothless smiles, at his tickled laughter, at his rolling over and failing and crying antics. But I also feel tired, at my 1 am and 3 am and 5 am and so on wakings. I feel proud at this little human I bore and brought into this world, but I also feel sad at how I’m at times still not able to fully understand him. I feel full of hope when I see him try to crawl, but I feel equally hopeless when I think about the situation in the world and his safety. But is this wrong? Is a mother not supposed to feel anything but joy? Are we not allowed the honesty of our own emotions anymore? Is feeling many things a bad thing, vs. always feeling good about this even when I’m burning both ends of a candle? I’m not so sure. But I understood that THIS is something ONLY I will understand, or maybe only some of my closest friends and my husband.

 

I’ve also come to learn in these past many months that though the world has progressed and moved on, though we’re in 2021, though we’re in an era where acceptability and the Dark is Beautiful movement is all around us, people will still be ready at the drop of a hat to judge even a child’s complexion. I’m told my child has BECOME cute. Sigh. I for one, loved this munchkin the second he was thrown on my chest after entering the world, when lets be real – He looked like a little reptile. I loved him when he was hair-less, eyebrow-less and expression-less. That’s what it feels like to be a mother. Finding fault with the way today’s bread tasted, but accepting of whatever this boy looks like. Maybe that’s what I should’ve told the aunty and heard her faint on the phone.

 

There’s also another observation - ONE popular question EVERYONE asks a new mother. “Does he sleep through the night?”. I’ve come to learn, there is one correct answer to this – NO. Not that Vir does, but back when he was 3 months and he was sleeping through the night (waking for a feed or two in the middle but going right back to sleep – yes, that also constitutes “Sleeping through the night” for babies) and if I said he was – The other person would go, “Oh!”. It was more of a “You lucky duck, you!”. Its never a “Thank God, you get some sleep too.” As he hit regressions and now wakes often at night, the other side seems to love it when I say “No, he doesn’t. What is sleeping through the night even?”. So, mental note to self – There’s always going to be things and people who ask you about these things wanting you to not have the easy way out. Some times people just want you to struggle. Just. The same kind of people who picked up a pin as a child and poked the ant on her way home. People are always going to ask you how your child sleeps – perhaps, it helps them sleep better at night!

 

There’s also some people who’ve had babies maybe anytime one year or more before you did. But they think, they are the gold standard in child rearing and baby raising. They can apparently accurately tell from my baby’s cry on the phone if he’s hungry or sleepy. If he’s eating spinach because of the spoon, or if he really likes it. Don’t you think such people are wasting such fabulous talent on such worthless things and should rather be predicting :

1. When will this COVID nonsense end?
2. When will RCB win the IPL?
3. When will Ranbir Kapoor get married?
4. Who will win the 2024 elections?

I say why stop here? Why not use this Nostradamus-esque talent in picking stocks to become rich? Or visiting a casino in Vegas (okay, Goa!) and going nuts at the tables and becoming rich for yourself? Why don’t you do that and leave my baby to me?

 

I’ve also learnt the new definition of Catch 22, The Mother’s Conundrum. I want to work and be productive and put my experience and education to use. Also, yes, let’s be honest, I want to earn and be self-sufficient and be able to buy that 100^th notebook I don’t need, but bought because it was on sale or because it looked pretty. But it breaks my heart to know that means leaving my child in someone else’s care and risking missing his first word, his first steps, his first crawl. Realistically, it is not possible to do everything without the other feeling a little shorted, a little neglected, a little useless. It’s the scariest part of the rest of my life beginning today – To stay productive, but to stay emotionally calm and accept that this is tight rope I need to figure out how to work and also give multi-tasking a whole new meaning if I really want to do the best for Vir. My heart is full of joy at my new best friend, but also full – of a sorrow that I cannot explain. To know I am not able to go pick him up every time he cooes, or not be able to play with him as and when he and I please. It’s the most dichotomous feeling ever – An excitement at going back to work and finally being productive and back to work as I’ve been for 10 years and a lulling and deep sorrow at realizing it comes at a cost. Will it be worth it? I guess we’ll wait till the 300 days look-back to tell!