200 days of Vir and Vir's Mumma

 

It is some coincidence indeed, that 200 days of Vir, 200 days of VIr’s Mumma and 200 days of maternity leave all come on the same day. I started work today and my heart is full – of joy watching my now not ‘new born’, but now ‘infant’ babble, roll over and look at me beaming in joy every time I enter the room after a prolonged gap of precisely five minutes! My heart is full – knowing I have this monkey to return to, whenever offices reopen and physical presence, aka commute horrors return. So much has happened in the last 200 days, or even 100 days. It all warrants documentation!

 

For starters, some aunties I was speaking to after several months congratulated me generously but immediately asked me “Kaisa feel ho raha hai Mummy ban kar”. This question took me by utter surprise, because I wasn’t sure I’m supposed to feel things that can be elaborated in words. Not sure of the way to proceed, I said “Hmmm, sab kuch feel ho raha hai.”

 

*Gasp*

*How Could she*?!

**Beeeeeppp** Wrong answer!

 

The other aunty immediately sprung into action. And told me “Bol na, achha lag raha hai? Achha hi lag raha hoga”. I learnt in this very moment, two VERY important things:

1. My feelings about being a mother are so extremely and ferociously personal, that nobody, not even my own mother or anyone’s mother can understand.
2. I feel many things – I feel joy at my child’s toothless smiles, at his tickled laughter, at his rolling over and failing and crying antics. But I also feel tired, at my 1 am and 3 am and 5 am and so on wakings. I feel proud at this little human I bore and brought into this world, but I also feel sad at how I’m at times still not able to fully understand him. I feel full of hope when I see him try to crawl, but I feel equally hopeless when I think about the situation in the world and his safety. But is this wrong? Is a mother not supposed to feel anything but joy? Are we not allowed the honesty of our own emotions anymore? Is feeling many things a bad thing, vs. always feeling good about this even when I’m burning both ends of a candle? I’m not so sure. But I understood that THIS is something ONLY I will understand, or maybe only some of my closest friends and my husband.

 

I’ve also come to learn in these past many months that though the world has progressed and moved on, though we’re in 2021, though we’re in an era where acceptability and the Dark is Beautiful movement is all around us, people will still be ready at the drop of a hat to judge even a child’s complexion. I’m told my child has BECOME cute. Sigh. I for one, loved this munchkin the second he was thrown on my chest after entering the world, when lets be real – He looked like a little reptile. I loved him when he was hair-less, eyebrow-less and expression-less. That’s what it feels like to be a mother. Finding fault with the way today’s bread tasted, but accepting of whatever this boy looks like. Maybe that’s what I should’ve told the aunty and heard her faint on the phone.

 

There’s also another observation - ONE popular question EVERYONE asks a new mother. “Does he sleep through the night?”. I’ve come to learn, there is one correct answer to this – NO. Not that Vir does, but back when he was 3 months and he was sleeping through the night (waking for a feed or two in the middle but going right back to sleep – yes, that also constitutes “Sleeping through the night” for babies) and if I said he was – The other person would go, “Oh!”. It was more of a “You lucky duck, you!”. Its never a “Thank God, you get some sleep too.” As he hit regressions and now wakes often at night, the other side seems to love it when I say “No, he doesn’t. What is sleeping through the night even?”. So, mental note to self – There’s always going to be things and people who ask you about these things wanting you to not have the easy way out. Some times people just want you to struggle. Just. The same kind of people who picked up a pin as a child and poked the ant on her way home. People are always going to ask you how your child sleeps – perhaps, it helps them sleep better at night!

 

There’s also some people who’ve had babies maybe anytime one year or more before you did. But they think, they are the gold standard in child rearing and baby raising. They can apparently accurately tell from my baby’s cry on the phone if he’s hungry or sleepy. If he’s eating spinach because of the spoon, or if he really likes it. Don’t you think such people are wasting such fabulous talent on such worthless things and should rather be predicting :

1. When will this COVID nonsense end?
2. When will RCB win the IPL?
3. When will Ranbir Kapoor get married?
4. Who will win the 2024 elections?

I say why stop here? Why not use this Nostradamus-esque talent in picking stocks to become rich? Or visiting a casino in Vegas (okay, Goa!) and going nuts at the tables and becoming rich for yourself? Why don’t you do that and leave my baby to me?

 

I’ve also learnt the new definition of Catch 22, The Mother’s Conundrum. I want to work and be productive and put my experience and education to use. Also, yes, let’s be honest, I want to earn and be self-sufficient and be able to buy that 100^th notebook I don’t need, but bought because it was on sale or because it looked pretty. But it breaks my heart to know that means leaving my child in someone else’s care and risking missing his first word, his first steps, his first crawl. Realistically, it is not possible to do everything without the other feeling a little shorted, a little neglected, a little useless. It’s the scariest part of the rest of my life beginning today – To stay productive, but to stay emotionally calm and accept that this is tight rope I need to figure out how to work and also give multi-tasking a whole new meaning if I really want to do the best for Vir. My heart is full of joy at my new best friend, but also full – of a sorrow that I cannot explain. To know I am not able to go pick him up every time he cooes, or not be able to play with him as and when he and I please. It’s the most dichotomous feeling ever – An excitement at going back to work and finally being productive and back to work as I’ve been for 10 years and a lulling and deep sorrow at realizing it comes at a cost. Will it be worth it? I guess we’ll wait till the 300 days look-back to tell!