Animal - the Problematical, Irrational Laughable debacle

If you haven't watched it yet - Don't. Read this instead.

Animal is one of the worst movies ever made – Let’s get that out of the way. It has trashy testosterone glazed dialogues, plot holes the size of Silk Board junction’s and character writing more sloppy than RGV Ki Aag. Ranbir Kapoor is single-handedly the only reason you can sit through this trash fest of over 3 Hours. Despite the storyline going wonky every 5 minutes and characters who just pointlessly show up and vanish, he carries this mountain of rubbish on his able shoulders and OMG is he a treat to watch in some scenes. Those eyes! Also, It helps that I watched the movie in a theatre with people laughing at all the stupidity, so I could comfort myself that this country is in good hands.

1. More people have come and gone in this pot-boiler of nonsense than Game of Thrones. People just show up, from nowhere, for no goddamn reason and die – again for no reason.
2. Vanga sir – there is so reason to explain your stupidity. Eg: I did not need to know that Ranbir’s underwear fabric softener was not good hence he is going commando and wearing the Dhoti for that fight sequence. Such stupidity needs no explanation, should have no explanation – If he turned up looking like a Yakshagana dancer, I would not question it – I have been trained through the first half to suspend all logic. Just like I suspend how a steel making company is dishing out guns like Chiclets and nobody is questioning the legality of it! Just like this bunch of goons is standing and singing a song while Ranbir is getting his head blown out like a Pinata cake.
3. Can you believe that it takes till the interval for you to learn Ranbir's name in the movie? It didn't occur to anybody to just give him some labeling till that point. There are glimpses of Yalgaar with this very dysfunctional love story and father obsession – Does it help that Ranbir looks like Sanjay Dutt? The only thing missing was an Aakhir tumhe aana hai encore version!
4. Rashmika – You go girl. With your Bangalore accent and your I’ll slap you dude dialogues! But yes, please spit out that paan when you mouth Hindi dialogues next time. What da, macha, full bundle.
5. Bobby Deol – Lord Bobby, I feel bad this is your “comeback”. From being in Gupt and even the very unwatchable Yamla Pagla Deewana, this is just downright sad. Though even for that three costume role and that Abrar’s entry song, I could watch you all day long.
6. By the end, Ranbir cannot hear, has concussions, a broken bladder, a weak heart and YET, he is fighting people like effing Bahubali – is he supposed to go to Professor X in the next part and become one of the superpowered X-Men?
7. Good thing I paid only Rs.80 for two tickets (Thanks Mom’s credit card) and Rs.400 for food and I remember how the Samosa tasted more than I remember why the hell this man is killing everybody or what the revenge plot is about. My revenge plot about overtaking cars at Bellandur junction makes more sense than this. For example, I literally unlocked my phone to sms one OTP to somebody and in those few seconds, the revenge plot was explained, everyone was on board and there are Range rovers going through a sunflower field in Punjab. I sometimes doubted my own awareness - did I fall asleep in the quantum space when some explanations happened. 
8. The movie is so bad, it makes Aisha look like a masterpiece, makes The Archies look innocent not juvenile and makes Gunda look like an Oscar nominee. I want someone to create the Razzies only to please felicitate this entire movie with an award that should resemble one tight slap.
9. You thought Shiva Shiva Shiva was annoying – just you wait for Papa, Papa, Papa – I mean just SHUT UP!
10. Anil Kapoor is more pointless in the movie (thought it is all about Ranbir’s obsession for him) than the vase in Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham. Atleast that vase gave you Gamla, a scene you could laugh out loud for. Anil Kapoor could be played by a cactus and the movie would still make no sense. 

Vanga Sir has teased a Season 2 – Let’s pray by then Ranbir has migrated to Africa and begun reviving Nigerian cinema, because ANYTHING is better than this. Bobby has lost his speech, Ranbir has lost his hearing – I wish I lose my sense of memory, so I can forget this terrible movie and listen to its beautiful songs!

A 10 point review of Jawan

The movies are back and HOW. 

 

I’ve watched three movies this year – Pathaan, Rocky aur Rani ki Prem Kahani and Jawan. And I’ve loved each of them. For all the flak that over the top Bollywood cinema gets, its pretty much the kind we grew up watching. I can never forget how my dad would buy tickets in black and take us for movies like Roop ki Rani Choron ka Raja or Lamhe. I grew up watching this fantasy world – a galaxy far far away from reality. And it felt good. I think COVID was a much needed snap cut to the nonsense we had begun to make – Sooryavanshi, Circus, Shamshera, Thugs of Hindostan – omg, the stuff I started writing reviews about! But, the movies THIS year have brought back the same joy as childhood. All the three movies I watched have crater sized plot holes, but boy, do they have the element of joy which is Bollywood! Life’s hard enough, with enough dramas in our families, at work, in our relationships – I’m much happier suspending belief and watching irrational nonsense if it can make my heart warm – exactly the reason I enjoy some very random Korean dramas. 

 

I never got to write about Pathaan and RRKPK but here goes, my ten point review of Jawan without giving away a plot twist I’m dying to write about.

 

1. Atlee is clearly a Money Heist fan – one of the girls has Tokyo’s hair, the prison looks straight out of the vault, Nayanthara (a negotiator/single mother/romances the lead who’s the antichrist) is Raquel and don’t even get me started on the bandage mask! 
2. Atlee is also a Dark Knight Rises fan – Dragging a main character to lock him up, a Bane looking villain, it has the feels!
3. Vijay Sethupathy, this star – what a wonderful year playing the good cop in Farzi to a menacing villain in Jawan. Excellent casting – The villain universe is in good hands! Not so subtle references to the Matrix – red pill/blue pill!
4. Deepika’s cameo is short lived but sharp (I cried through all her jail scenes) – more hard hitting than Nayanthara’s role I’d think.
5. Social messaging on point throughout the movie – be it farmer suicides, voting apathy, malfunctioning substandard arms – I loved how some real life stuff was thrown in the mix with an otherwise fantasy movie (of course – how can a 57 year old man SLAY like that!)
6. Nayanthara did not recognize Shah Rukh from the voice – this is a Rab ne Bana di Jodi plot hole hitting you in the face.
7. +10 bonus points for references to older movies – Kaveri amma, Bahubali (did he mean Thangabali!?), Nayak nahi Khalnayak hoon main
8. Shah Rukh is probably also setting up retirement – channeling his inner Rajnikanth to do action like Vijaypath’s Ajay Devgan
9. I saw glimpses of Shah Rukh characters in the three hours of Jawan – Veer Pratap Singh, Major Ram Prasad from Main Hoon Na, Pathan, Don, Kabir Khan from Chak De (what’s with this captain leading a bunch of women beating up men!) and I could’ve sat there for three more hours chomping on popcorn watching more. I eagerly await Jawan 2.
10. Never been a Shah Rukh fan, but oh dear, this action hero, anti-establishment Shah Rukh is all I want to watch now!

 

Thanks for bringing back the movies, Shah Rukh! 

10 Things I Hate About You

Our first photo together

1. I hate how you rummage the fridge for your dinner sometimes, but make me order new

2. How you patiently listen to me ramble about work though I fall asleep when you do

3. How you watch Korean dramas you despise, just so we can get together time

4. I hate how right now, you even make me rhyme

5. I hate how you know I didn’t arrange my clothes and just shoved them into the cupboard

6. How you patiently fix it the next day, every single time, even if you’re bored

7. How you know when I’m saying the truth, those half truths, especially those lies

8. How you never buy me gifts, but quietly pre-pay that card bill and take me by surprise

9. I hate it when you’re not around, or how you’re always on a call

10. But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you, Not even close, Not even a little bit, Not even at all

Our most recent picture together

What two weeks in the hospital taught me…

Meeting her grandson after a whole 15 days in the hospital

My mom took seriously ill two weeks ago and spent a week in the ICU and ventilator. Besides contemplating life and circumstances, these two weeks gave me a lot of time with my thoughts. Some just endlessly waiting on doctors for updates, some just because I had hours where I just wanted to be by myself and not talk to or see anybody. I learnt many things, but some deserve to be documented. This will be a note to self in the future. 

1. Grief is very equalising. It doesn’t matter if you arrive in an auto, a bus, a BMW, you still are at the mercy of the doctors and nurses watching your loved ones. You all will likely pause at the Ganesha on the ground floor and pray. Grief is probably the most unifying, humbling and equalising force there is. 
2. Caregiving is lonely. Very. I had post natal periods of feeling terrible empty and lonely because I felt like my baby needed only me, I wanted to catch a break and some sleep but there wasn’t any to be had, I constantly worried over him and obsessed over every small sneeze even. It’s the same I’ve felt for my mother. And through all the endless waiting times, trips back and forth, I’ve not felt lonelier before. 
3. Grief also has a very long shelf life. I relived the accident in which I lost my dad a hundred times, continued to be able to smell the tar from the crash and a feeling of emptiness when I remembered how I went back home and had to move on with real life shit. I thought I’d have forgotten the little details after 25 long years. But turns out, not. In retrospect I also thanked god sometimes that he went through none of this suffering. On the first day of my mom’s hospitalisation, I had nightmares of the build up to the accident. It was unreal. Like someone opened Pandora’s box and Pandora had a bloody good memory all this while. 
4. Marrying right is one of the best things I’ve done. Knowing I have someone I can go back to, eat my Dal chawal with and someone to throw a blanket over me when I pass out on the couch is what real love stories are made of. 
5. There’s a life out there in the real. Outside of laptops, Teams, Outlook, Bellandur metro traffic, office dramas. There’s a world that exists parallel to mine. Where doctors, nurses still scribble vitals on a large folded A3 with a Reynolds pen. In unfortunate circumstances like this, we meet.
6. I watched an entire terribly trashy K drama (16 episodes of 1.25 hours each by the way) over ten days on my way to the hospital and back. Sometimes in the waiting space of the ICU, where I waited for two hours on some days to see my mom for one hour. I coped, I survived, I found a way to cut myself out of the people around me, some of who were with much more serious patients than mine. I sometimes amped up the volume, on full noise cancellation when someone would receive bad news and break down sobbing next to me. I did whatever I could to just exist and not fall apart. I’m probably never going to judge someone in a hospital waiting room watching shows on their phone (maybe if they’re very loud, but I won’t roll my eyes at them I’m sure). 
7. English classes about sympathy vs. empathy become real. There’s always going to be people to pretend to care and those who really do. Events like these make this distinction even clearer. It hits home hard but in retrospect it’s everything your heart always knew but didn’t want to accept. Also, having friends like family who ask me everyday HOW ARE YOU means the world. 
8. Some people mean well but just don’t know how to show it. They’ll try to guilt you about not answering the phone when you’re probably contemplating existence. Some of them mean well. Some, well. Okay. 
9. Medical insurance is horribly under-rated, under-discussed and misunderstood. 
10. In times like this it’s easy to beat yourself up about making certain choices which might seem like a bad daughter, a bad wife, or a bad mother. But I want to write my own affirmation here, that being a good enough person is grossly under rated. Fulfilling all roles par excellence is great but even fulfilling them just above passing marks is fine - as long as you are able to be your own hero, your own warm cup of hot chocolate, your best support. As long as you can wake up the next day, with the same hope that it will be a better day than yesterday, be the very average person but be there for yourself.

Brahmastra - A movie meant for the big screen

1. Brahmastra is a bloody fantastic visual treat - one not seen in Bollywood and for that I’ll give it a long applause. It’s the first Hindi that we’ve ever worn 3D glasses for and watching it in IMAX 3D is just splendid. 

2. Making people go back, google out theories and wonder if they spotted Easter eggs is a first for Hindi movies - the storyline is good, not gripping, but definitely worth watching out for Part 2.

3. Brahmastra is not awesome because of Ran-lia, it’s awesome DESPITE the two of them being in it.

4. Alia says Shiva Shiva more than a pandit on Mahashivratri. The time she’s not saying Shiva, she’s asking him Tum ho Kaun. I mean just say Kaun hai Woh jisne dobara mud ke mujhe nahi dekha and be done with it already.

5. The dialogues are utter trash. The worst I’ve seen ever and I’ve watched a Hindi movie called Vivah where Shahid Kapoor was offered “Jal”. 

6. Shah Rukh Khan is an utter treat to watch. Despite his hackneyed lines and jokes even he wouldn’t laugh at, he reminds you why he’s the God of the silver screen. 

7. The ‘Gurukul’ has FIVE inmates. Any PG in BTM Layout has more. Among the inmates, One happens to be Bihari, one North-Eastern. They’re not just selective in hiring; they’re also adhering to current political mandates.  

#enoughsaid

8. Mouni Roy, I thought might be the weakest link in this but she’s infact quite the opposite. Superbly pulls off Junoon - great casting building on her Naagin looks too. Do feel bad that she had maybe two costumes in the entire movie and Alia changed three during a walk in Varanasi. 

9. There’s a huge ass Pandal IN THE MIDDLE OF MUMBAI. So big, Wankhede will be put to shame. I would like to visit this magical place some day! 

10. There’s connections to Game of Thrones I discovered - Agniastra which cannot be burned aka Daenerys. Amitabh Bacchan keeps calling Ranbir “mere dragon” aka of course the dragons from GOT. Ranbir, the child of Jal-astra and Agni-astra aka A song of ice and fire aka Jon Snow. Thank God the end was not as trashy.

Sharmaji Namkeen and my Papa Namkeen

 

Papa watching his ice cream being beaten to death at a stone creamery, seriously contemplating life choices - His son, doing the very same. One of my favourite candies of the two of them.

Papa was a Rishi Kapoor fan, so much so that he had started wearing his watch on the right hand when he was young even though he was right handed because Rishi Kapoor made it cool to do that! Rishi Kapoor passed year before last of a prolonged illness, Papa passed last year (cannot believe we can say it was last year), of a sudden heart attack. Watching Sharmaji Namkeen last weekend made me tear up for the both of them. 

Sharmaji is the story of a newly retired daddy finding his ground after he has no office to go to every day. It’s amusing how he keeps himself busy but endearing how he packs his sons’ dabbas every day. My Papa was an amazing cook himself - one scene especially where Sharmaji adds garam masalas to a potli and puts it inside the kaali dal, reminded me of how Papa would ask me “Tumko pata hai Chhole black Kaise banate hai ye hotel wale?”. And I knew his answer (Chai Patti in a potli when the chhole are boiling), but I wanted to always hear him say it like a magnificent revelation and I would gasp in surprise and tell him we should totally try it when we make Chhole next - only to most often get shot down by the others. 

Papa was an excellent cook - in his last few years, he would take on Chhole and Rajma duty especially which he would make exceptionally well. I would joke and tell him how he should teach his son cooking and he would tell me how he and his brothers learnt from Dadi and they were all a very independent bunch. He made some kick ass Masala Pepsi, cut Kaddu so neatly like you won’t imagine and basically could make everything except Rotis. He had a great sense of taste - He could tell if the salt is off by even a little bit, what went wrong with a sabzi, what trick went into making something as tasty as it was. When I would cook, I would always force him to tell me how it was though he would not volunteer criticism generally. He would tell me “Good” and that would be my medal. Some times he would tease me master chef style and say “Sab Badiya, bas thoooooooooooooda sa Dhania Hota toh perfect hota”. He was quite an all-rounder, My Papa Namkeen. 

Papa and I would jokingly have conversations about starting a pop-up restaurant - Sometimes it would be Mummy making parathas, or sometimes it would be about me making Chili Paneer in a food truck. I’d joke and tell him he would be my CFO, billing people and collecting cash, managing all the money. We would make such Khayali Pulaos ever so often and laugh it off. When I watched Sharmaji, it resonated with me how hard it must have been for Papa also to retire from a life largely dictated and possessed by work. I felt awful watching his kids mock him for cooking for people and trying Zumba - I would’ve been Papa’s biggest cheer leader if he did anything how ever offbeat if that made him happy. Though conventional in up bringing, I do feel he would have encouraged us to do what made us happy too. 

If you have a daddy around - Firstly, thank god a million times and go give him a hug from me. Secondly, If he’s retired or retiring, be his rock, be his BFF. Don’t try and be a prude police man trying to dictate what he can or cannot do. Family is all we have - Family is supposed to be there for you no matter what, no matter what choices, no matter what circumstances. Go out there and be the best family he needs. 

Breastfeeding - Where you're damned if you do, you're damned if you don't

 

Breastfeeding week concluded in August and despite wanting to write about it for oh, so long, its taken, well, oh-so long! But here

we are. There is no other topic I’ve found to be as polarizing to new parents as Breastfeeding. From the moment the nurse helps the baby in the delivery room to latch on and get the much coveted colostrum, the medical world pushes breastfeeding as the only possible option to feeding a newborn. They will mostly scoff at you if you are not able to feed and formula is needed. Come home and then you'll meet parents and relatives who will remind you that you were bottle fed so bottle is the way to go!

In my 16 month breastfeeding journey, there’s many things I’ve learnt and many things I’ve taught myself to not believe. Here’s 10 common hearsay/myths about breastfeeding. Its disappointing that many of these I’ve heard from our own elders who’ve often discouraged me from feeding, or at minimum scoffed at why my child does not take the bottle.

 

1. It doesn’t fill a baby up. It only contains water.
1. Truth: Breastmilk contains milk, sometimes richer than any other form of milk. Only the initial milk of every feed is watery and honestly containing H2O which is also necessary because up until 6 months, the baby cannot have even water alone. Hindmilk or the milk that comes after a few minutes of suckling contains rich, fatty milk which in the initial few months, puts a baby to sleep in no time.
2. It is not nutritious The most nutritious milk in the world is not Cow’s milk, it is not Camel’s milk. It is breast milk. There is nothing that comes close to it in terms of nutrients, antibodies, Breast milk has hormones and the right amount of protein, sugar, fat and most vitamins to help your baby grow and develop. It protects them from illnesses, ear infections, colds and what not. I’ve had more than a few instances where I believe nursing Vir has gotten rid of his sniffles.
3. After 4-5 months, a baby has to switch to formula.
1. Truth: No. It isn’t mandatory. You can switch if it is convenient, but it isn’t recommended if you’re able to breastfeed. Yes, you will notice a dip in supply, that’s mostly because your body has adapted to your child’s feeding pattern and knows when and how much to make. Also, the baby has become a bit of an expert, efficiently emptying breasts in minutes. I know of women who’ve stopped nursing after 4 months, because they saw supply diminish – I was one of them too. I tried to make the switch to formula because I thought Vir was going hungry. He showed me the way, rejected and refused the bottle, was diagnosed with a form of GERD and silent reflux, making doctors push me even harder to breatfeed and make the move to solids at 5 instead of 6 months. So, after turning 16 months old, here we are. Now, Vir eats a variety of solids, nuts, vegetables and even has his cow’s milk hot chocolate, but he continues to breastfeed a few times a day and I’m more than glad that we still want to and can.
4. You cannot feed while taking medicines
1. Truth: Many medications are nursing safe. All you need to do is let your doctor know and you will be prescribed accordingly.
5. Recently COVID vaccinated mothers should not breastfeed
1. Truth: Even the Indian Medical Association withdrew the initial recommendation advising lactating mothers to not take the vaccine. My gynaec and Vir’s pediatrician encouraged me to get vaccinated and I was there on Day 3 of when vaccinations opened for 18+ aged Indians. I infact remember reading an article about how a pregnant nurse in the U.S. took the COVID vaccine when she was 7 months pregnant and when her baby was born, it was born with COVID antobidies.
6. Breastfeeding is stress free
1. Truth: Breastfeeding is NOT stress free. Yes, it is convenient, you can feed any time, any where (almost!). Nights are easier, you don’t need to scramble to make a bottle during a night waking. But, breastfeeding is very stressful. Am I making enough? Is he still hungry? Oh no, he’s teething again. Oh no, its that time of the month (Breastmilk changes taste during those days and the baby gets fussier in general to feed). After a few months, the baby wont even fall asleep with the breast alone. So, congratulations – find a new way to make the monkey sleep.
7. Nursing mothers cannot eat Mangoes, brinjal or have coffee
1. Truth: Partially and only in the initial months. After which, life has gone back to normal.  
8. Breastfeeding makes a baby clingy and dependent
1. Truth: I’ve seen some babies (exclusively formula fed and some exclusively breastfed) be way more clingy than my child is or ever has been. It’s a child specific trait and has nothing to do with breastfeeding. Just about who the child finds comfort with.
9. Breastfed babies will not sleep through the night
1. Truth: Can’t be further from the truth. This again differs from baby to baby. A formula fed or even breastfed baby also wont sleep through the night if he doesn’t know how to connect sleep cycles or is dependent on sleep crutches such as rocking. Once the child learns to connect one sleep cycle with the next and is well fed just before they go to bed, they may sleep through the night quicker. Sometimes breastfed babies wake purely for a comfort feed – but so do formula fed babies and even exclusively solids feeding toddlers. They may wake for a quick snuggle, reassurance that you’re around, their pacifier. Anything. Sleeping through the night has as much to do or not to do with breastmilk as it does with formula milk.
10. If you don’t nurse you are a bad Mom.
1. Truth: This is the biggest and worst myth I’ve heard. Some women can not nurse for physiological, psychological or logistical reasons. Some do not want to. Which is absolutely fine. Motherhood in nuclear families, especially if you’re a working Mom, is about survival. You do what ever you can, to make it. If you can breastfeed, you do that. If you can not and do not want to, so be it. It is your choice. You carried that child inside of you before he came into this world. You will continue to be the best Mom for him and you are all he needs. Breast or no breast, nothing takes that away.  

Our frequency of breastfeeding has reduced but its still some of the most fun times of the day he and I spend together. We point at each other’s noses. tickle each other’s tummies and laugh. Do I have a plan to wean, No – I don’t even know how I’m going to do it and it worries me how we’ll both wean. Do I regret doing it for so long – No.

For you, Vir. A thousand times over.