Animal - the Problematical, Irrational Laughable debacle

If you haven't watched it yet - Don't. Read this instead.

Animal is one of the worst movies ever made – Let’s get that out of the way. It has trashy testosterone glazed dialogues, plot holes the size of Silk Board junction’s and character writing more sloppy than RGV Ki Aag. Ranbir Kapoor is single-handedly the only reason you can sit through this trash fest of over 3 Hours. Despite the storyline going wonky every 5 minutes and characters who just pointlessly show up and vanish, he carries this mountain of rubbish on his able shoulders and OMG is he a treat to watch in some scenes. Those eyes! Also, It helps that I watched the movie in a theatre with people laughing at all the stupidity, so I could comfort myself that this country is in good hands.

1. More people have come and gone in this pot-boiler of nonsense than Game of Thrones. People just show up, from nowhere, for no goddamn reason and die – again for no reason.
2. Vanga sir – there is so reason to explain your stupidity. Eg: I did not need to know that Ranbir’s underwear fabric softener was not good hence he is going commando and wearing the Dhoti for that fight sequence. Such stupidity needs no explanation, should have no explanation – If he turned up looking like a Yakshagana dancer, I would not question it – I have been trained through the first half to suspend all logic. Just like I suspend how a steel making company is dishing out guns like Chiclets and nobody is questioning the legality of it! Just like this bunch of goons is standing and singing a song while Ranbir is getting his head blown out like a Pinata cake.
3. Can you believe that it takes till the interval for you to learn Ranbir's name in the movie? It didn't occur to anybody to just give him some labeling till that point. There are glimpses of Yalgaar with this very dysfunctional love story and father obsession – Does it help that Ranbir looks like Sanjay Dutt? The only thing missing was an Aakhir tumhe aana hai encore version!
4. Rashmika – You go girl. With your Bangalore accent and your I’ll slap you dude dialogues! But yes, please spit out that paan when you mouth Hindi dialogues next time. What da, macha, full bundle.
5. Bobby Deol – Lord Bobby, I feel bad this is your “comeback”. From being in Gupt and even the very unwatchable Yamla Pagla Deewana, this is just downright sad. Though even for that three costume role and that Abrar’s entry song, I could watch you all day long.
6. By the end, Ranbir cannot hear, has concussions, a broken bladder, a weak heart and YET, he is fighting people like effing Bahubali – is he supposed to go to Professor X in the next part and become one of the superpowered X-Men?
7. Good thing I paid only Rs.80 for two tickets (Thanks Mom’s credit card) and Rs.400 for food and I remember how the Samosa tasted more than I remember why the hell this man is killing everybody or what the revenge plot is about. My revenge plot about overtaking cars at Bellandur junction makes more sense than this. For example, I literally unlocked my phone to sms one OTP to somebody and in those few seconds, the revenge plot was explained, everyone was on board and there are Range rovers going through a sunflower field in Punjab. I sometimes doubted my own awareness - did I fall asleep in the quantum space when some explanations happened. 
8. The movie is so bad, it makes Aisha look like a masterpiece, makes The Archies look innocent not juvenile and makes Gunda look like an Oscar nominee. I want someone to create the Razzies only to please felicitate this entire movie with an award that should resemble one tight slap.
9. You thought Shiva Shiva Shiva was annoying – just you wait for Papa, Papa, Papa – I mean just SHUT UP!
10. Anil Kapoor is more pointless in the movie (thought it is all about Ranbir’s obsession for him) than the vase in Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham. Atleast that vase gave you Gamla, a scene you could laugh out loud for. Anil Kapoor could be played by a cactus and the movie would still make no sense. 

Vanga Sir has teased a Season 2 – Let’s pray by then Ranbir has migrated to Africa and begun reviving Nigerian cinema, because ANYTHING is better than this. Bobby has lost his speech, Ranbir has lost his hearing – I wish I lose my sense of memory, so I can forget this terrible movie and listen to its beautiful songs!