10-Point review of Thugs of Hindostan

It’s not as Awfully, miserably and terribly bad as the reviews suggest - it’s funny in parts, no one’s acted poorly and the locations in Malta and Thailand are splendid. We’ve endured way worse movies than this!
BUT WATCH IT ONLY ON TV!!

Because this is what I vividly remember of the movie:

1. Someone found Lagaan and Asoka costumes in Diwali cleaning and wondered - Hmm what movie can we make to use both of these!

2. Aditya Chopra does not know what to do with his money. But he knows that 60% of the budget of the movie is to be spent on conditioner or Kajal. 0% is spent on face wash.

3. What is with that eagle - name it Dunzo. It delivers messages and drops goodies.

4. Katrina Kaif must be charging by item song - and her choreography was worse than most annual day performances!

5. The British actors speak better Hindi than Katrina.

6. There is no need to have a British angle to this movie - these people could be fighting minions, or Kauravas or the Kilikili tribe of Bahubali - hardly matters.

7. A stupid shot taken in slo-mo is just a really slow stupid shot.

8. Not the most apt movie for Aamir to pierce his nose 🙄

9. Amitabh can’t do Shahenshah 2 or Khuda Gawah 2, hence Thugs of Hindostan.

10. You throw 40 punches and then get shot and die. Just steal guns for gods sake, you stupid thugs!

10-point review of Simmba

So, here goes. My ten point review of this mad, masala, mazedaar movie named Simmba. I’ll do my best not to be biased though I love this Sindhi actor ❤️

Firstly, It is going to be a massive disappointment for anyone looking for sense and sensibility in a movie. You don’t go to watch a Rohit Shetty movie for that. It’s like walking into Kailash Parbat and asking for a Gnocchi al Funghi. You come for the pani puri, which is unhealthy but so damn good, you smack your lips, enjoy it and keep going back for more! If you don’t like Pani puri, I’m not sure why we’re friends.. and also, please don’t bother reading any further.

1. Ridiculously entertaining first half. I was in a PVR on weekends, when tickets aren’t cheap and college kids are not the audience. Yet, the whistling and clapping took me back to watching a Salman movie in single screen theatres when we were in college. It was paisa vasool. Thankfully, the first half carries the burden of the second half, because you can endure the drama patiently waiting for something exciting to happen next.

2. I am in awe at the magic of some of these artists. Ashutosh Rana who won Filmfares for his mad and violently diabolical character in Dushman 20 years ago, today breezes through his role as a constable with a paunch. Ranveer Singh plays Alauddin Khilji with the same conviction he plays Bhalerao Sangram and he kills it. You love him and root for him all through. Ashwini Kalsekar as the judge is so weird, you almost worry that if you land up in court, such judges will decide your fate; but you want her to take Simmba’s side. She’s surprisingly believable.

3. Hats off and whistles galore for the Ajay Devgan special appearance. Pointless, but what a mood lift after a second half which unravels slowly and endlessly like Draupadi’s saree.

4. Rohit Shetty has become quite inspired by Marvel. The next movie’s teaser is launched at the end of this one. And there’s more khaki vardis and Scorpios to come, clearly. But, I will be there on the opening weekend with my popcorn and maybe by then I’ll learn to whistle too.

5. Sonu Sood’s waistline is perhaps why he got bumped off Manikarnika. No woman, however feminist or even deranged like Kangana can have the hero with a smaller waist than herself. He’s however incredibly fit and so incredibly similar to EVERY movie he’s done in the last 5 years. And can we please give him some shirts, he doesn’t have to be looking like a Lux Cozi model in every shot.

6. The movie is ridiculously long. At 2h 45m running time, its 45m too long

7. In the second half, Sara Ali Khan is more blink & miss than Sonam Kapoor in that Coldplay video. In the first half, she gets to wear nice clothes, romance Ranveer and dance in Switzerland. Forget Taimur, people. Sara is the one who has really lucked out!

8. Simmba adopts more Mothers and sisters in these 165 minutes than I have adopted girl-friends in my whole life. Why is there this force-fitted Hum Saath Saath Hai vibe to this?

9. We have to stop milking the Nirbhaya case. It cannot be the only way to remind people how heinous rape is, or drive home a point. Candle light vigils, court references, really; lets’ stop!

10. Bollywood, This is the kind of movie you want to produce and we want to watch, unless you’re making something mind blowingly awesome like Andhadhun. You make rubbish like Thugs and we’re going to kill it. Take notes already, Aditya Chopra! Karan Johar is going to afford a lot more Balenciaga and Gucci through the money he will mint from Simmba! 

10-Point review of Gully Boy

How can I watch this masterpiece and have nothing to write about! Here goes, a not-so-quick, not-so-funny (you cannot mock this one!), 10-point review of Gully Boy!

1. If Sanjay Leela Bhansali does scale and opulence, Karan Johar does first world problems of Indians in London, Imtiaz Ali does love stories and journeys of self-discovery, Zoya Akhtar does characters. While Zindagi na Milegi Dobara and Dil Dhadakne Do were about mostly gorgeous and rich people, the characters were written so relatably and realistically, that you feel like Kabir, or feel like Arjun at times. Gully Boy is no different – you understand his driver dad’s insecurities; his mother’s explosive outburst saying she wants to leave but then dumbfounded once her husband says okay, leave; You understand Safina’s ferociousness, you understand Murad’s dilemmas. Everyone is as people are, real.

2. The movie is a superb primer into the rap world even if your knowledge of the topic like me is zilch. It should show up in google as the most relevant result if you googled “Mumbai underground rap scene for dummies”.

3. The supporting cast is stellar – Siddhant Chaturvedi is splendid and to be honest, I’m not surprised because he is my one lasting memory of Inside Edge. Watch it right away if you haven’t already. He’s brilliant in the most under-played fashion in that series. How he plays Ranveer’s senior, mentor and guide with more oomph in his first movie than Ranveer plays Murad is beyond me! Kalki in her brief part is lovable and so watchable as Sky, you wish she had more time on screen. Vijay Raaz is brilliant, even Slow Cheeta in his single rap battle scene is memorable.

4. Friendship in the most ordinary of times and places is probably the most genuine. While many of us have a ton of social connections and networks, with hundreds of ‘friends’ who will like even posts with poor grammar and no sense or sensibility, we have very few true friends who will tell you not to do drugs but who will steal cars with you when needed; who will go to jail for you, who will celebrate your success even if it means their failure. This kind of aspirational friendship in Gully Boy is celebrated and yet shown as matter-of-factly as possible. Where is my MC Sher, even?

5. Rap battles – Great battle of insults, but Please, Zoya. Two Punjabi mothers in law will defeat MC Sher, Gully Boy, Slow Cheeta all combined.

6. The landscape – I was yet to see a movie based in Mumbai with no shot of Marine Drive or in the more recent years, Antilla. Gully Boy is a weirdly beautiful journey into the less seen chawls and gullies of Mumbai, without giving it a poverty stricken Slumdog Millionaire feel.

7. Dialogues – Heartfelt, normal, deep and pensive – You have all of them. You relate to the lines in some way or the other. Even if I grab my blanket from Vivek nowadays and tell him “Ilaaka ye mera, go back to your gully”, I also recall telling him “Jaisi hoon, waise rehne deta hai, use zyada kya chahiye” more oft than once. The lines are as normal and real as they can get.

8. Gully Boy teaches you to never give up on your dreams, but also tackles a bunch of social evils on the side very smartly with these stereotypes – A man who has a second marriage, but whose mother thinks he’s never done any wrong (you’re every amma, dadi!); Parents who are over-strict with their kids because of which they’re lied to more often than not. What makes it truly brilliant though, is that it also breaks stereotypes as quickly as it established them – Sky, this youtube troll who turns out to be a girl much to the shock of Sher & Murad; The foreigner chick who hangs out with Sher because ‘ye log seedha aankh mein dekhte’; Sher spontaneously telling a chauvinistic boy off at a festival through rap.

9. Murad & Safina’s relationship is so beautiful, so simple and so clean. Their intro scene is holding hands and listening to music quietly in the bus; Murad’s name is saved as some aunty’s on Safina’s phone (we’ve all been there!); the kissing is normal, the late night phone calls are normal, everything they say and do feels like yours or your best friend’s love story which you know to be real. Plus, she’s bad-ass enough to assault a girl who even messages Murad – the scene being equal parts hilarious and equal parts establishing why you shouldn’t be shocked when he breaks a bottle on Kalki’s head later on!

10. The way the movie ends is beautiful, intelligent and highly mature. You’re left with high grade optimism in a very real and relatable way. I walked from the lift to my car in the parking lot with some pretty unnecessary swag because that’s how upbeat the movie leaves you.

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