Animal - the Problematical, Irrational Laughable debacle

If you haven't watched it yet - Don't. Read this instead.

Animal is one of the worst movies ever made – Let’s get that out of the way. It has trashy testosterone glazed dialogues, plot holes the size of Silk Board junction’s and character writing more sloppy than RGV Ki Aag. Ranbir Kapoor is single-handedly the only reason you can sit through this trash fest of over 3 Hours. Despite the storyline going wonky every 5 minutes and characters who just pointlessly show up and vanish, he carries this mountain of rubbish on his able shoulders and OMG is he a treat to watch in some scenes. Those eyes! Also, It helps that I watched the movie in a theatre with people laughing at all the stupidity, so I could comfort myself that this country is in good hands.

1. More people have come and gone in this pot-boiler of nonsense than Game of Thrones. People just show up, from nowhere, for no goddamn reason and die – again for no reason.
2. Vanga sir – there is so reason to explain your stupidity. Eg: I did not need to know that Ranbir’s underwear fabric softener was not good hence he is going commando and wearing the Dhoti for that fight sequence. Such stupidity needs no explanation, should have no explanation – If he turned up looking like a Yakshagana dancer, I would not question it – I have been trained through the first half to suspend all logic. Just like I suspend how a steel making company is dishing out guns like Chiclets and nobody is questioning the legality of it! Just like this bunch of goons is standing and singing a song while Ranbir is getting his head blown out like a Pinata cake.
3. Can you believe that it takes till the interval for you to learn Ranbir's name in the movie? It didn't occur to anybody to just give him some labeling till that point. There are glimpses of Yalgaar with this very dysfunctional love story and father obsession – Does it help that Ranbir looks like Sanjay Dutt? The only thing missing was an Aakhir tumhe aana hai encore version!
4. Rashmika – You go girl. With your Bangalore accent and your I’ll slap you dude dialogues! But yes, please spit out that paan when you mouth Hindi dialogues next time. What da, macha, full bundle.
5. Bobby Deol – Lord Bobby, I feel bad this is your “comeback”. From being in Gupt and even the very unwatchable Yamla Pagla Deewana, this is just downright sad. Though even for that three costume role and that Abrar’s entry song, I could watch you all day long.
6. By the end, Ranbir cannot hear, has concussions, a broken bladder, a weak heart and YET, he is fighting people like effing Bahubali – is he supposed to go to Professor X in the next part and become one of the superpowered X-Men?
7. Good thing I paid only Rs.80 for two tickets (Thanks Mom’s credit card) and Rs.400 for food and I remember how the Samosa tasted more than I remember why the hell this man is killing everybody or what the revenge plot is about. My revenge plot about overtaking cars at Bellandur junction makes more sense than this. For example, I literally unlocked my phone to sms one OTP to somebody and in those few seconds, the revenge plot was explained, everyone was on board and there are Range rovers going through a sunflower field in Punjab. I sometimes doubted my own awareness - did I fall asleep in the quantum space when some explanations happened. 
8. The movie is so bad, it makes Aisha look like a masterpiece, makes The Archies look innocent not juvenile and makes Gunda look like an Oscar nominee. I want someone to create the Razzies only to please felicitate this entire movie with an award that should resemble one tight slap.
9. You thought Shiva Shiva Shiva was annoying – just you wait for Papa, Papa, Papa – I mean just SHUT UP!
10. Anil Kapoor is more pointless in the movie (thought it is all about Ranbir’s obsession for him) than the vase in Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham. Atleast that vase gave you Gamla, a scene you could laugh out loud for. Anil Kapoor could be played by a cactus and the movie would still make no sense. 

Vanga Sir has teased a Season 2 – Let’s pray by then Ranbir has migrated to Africa and begun reviving Nigerian cinema, because ANYTHING is better than this. Bobby has lost his speech, Ranbir has lost his hearing – I wish I lose my sense of memory, so I can forget this terrible movie and listen to its beautiful songs!

A 10 point review of Jawan

The movies are back and HOW. 

 

I’ve watched three movies this year – Pathaan, Rocky aur Rani ki Prem Kahani and Jawan. And I’ve loved each of them. For all the flak that over the top Bollywood cinema gets, its pretty much the kind we grew up watching. I can never forget how my dad would buy tickets in black and take us for movies like Roop ki Rani Choron ka Raja or Lamhe. I grew up watching this fantasy world – a galaxy far far away from reality. And it felt good. I think COVID was a much needed snap cut to the nonsense we had begun to make – Sooryavanshi, Circus, Shamshera, Thugs of Hindostan – omg, the stuff I started writing reviews about! But, the movies THIS year have brought back the same joy as childhood. All the three movies I watched have crater sized plot holes, but boy, do they have the element of joy which is Bollywood! Life’s hard enough, with enough dramas in our families, at work, in our relationships – I’m much happier suspending belief and watching irrational nonsense if it can make my heart warm – exactly the reason I enjoy some very random Korean dramas. 

 

I never got to write about Pathaan and RRKPK but here goes, my ten point review of Jawan without giving away a plot twist I’m dying to write about.

 

1. Atlee is clearly a Money Heist fan – one of the girls has Tokyo’s hair, the prison looks straight out of the vault, Nayanthara (a negotiator/single mother/romances the lead who’s the antichrist) is Raquel and don’t even get me started on the bandage mask! 
2. Atlee is also a Dark Knight Rises fan – Dragging a main character to lock him up, a Bane looking villain, it has the feels!
3. Vijay Sethupathy, this star – what a wonderful year playing the good cop in Farzi to a menacing villain in Jawan. Excellent casting – The villain universe is in good hands! Not so subtle references to the Matrix – red pill/blue pill!
4. Deepika’s cameo is short lived but sharp (I cried through all her jail scenes) – more hard hitting than Nayanthara’s role I’d think.
5. Social messaging on point throughout the movie – be it farmer suicides, voting apathy, malfunctioning substandard arms – I loved how some real life stuff was thrown in the mix with an otherwise fantasy movie (of course – how can a 57 year old man SLAY like that!)
6. Nayanthara did not recognize Shah Rukh from the voice – this is a Rab ne Bana di Jodi plot hole hitting you in the face.
7. +10 bonus points for references to older movies – Kaveri amma, Bahubali (did he mean Thangabali!?), Nayak nahi Khalnayak hoon main
8. Shah Rukh is probably also setting up retirement – channeling his inner Rajnikanth to do action like Vijaypath’s Ajay Devgan
9. I saw glimpses of Shah Rukh characters in the three hours of Jawan – Veer Pratap Singh, Major Ram Prasad from Main Hoon Na, Pathan, Don, Kabir Khan from Chak De (what’s with this captain leading a bunch of women beating up men!) and I could’ve sat there for three more hours chomping on popcorn watching more. I eagerly await Jawan 2.
10. Never been a Shah Rukh fan, but oh dear, this action hero, anti-establishment Shah Rukh is all I want to watch now!

 

Thanks for bringing back the movies, Shah Rukh! 

10 Things I Hate About You

Our first photo together

1. I hate how you rummage the fridge for your dinner sometimes, but make me order new

2. How you patiently listen to me ramble about work though I fall asleep when you do

3. How you watch Korean dramas you despise, just so we can get together time

4. I hate how right now, you even make me rhyme

5. I hate how you know I didn’t arrange my clothes and just shoved them into the cupboard

6. How you patiently fix it the next day, every single time, even if you’re bored

7. How you know when I’m saying the truth, those half truths, especially those lies

8. How you never buy me gifts, but quietly pre-pay that card bill and take me by surprise

9. I hate it when you’re not around, or how you’re always on a call

10. But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you, Not even close, Not even a little bit, Not even at all

Our most recent picture together

What two weeks in the hospital taught me…

Meeting her grandson after a whole 15 days in the hospital

My mom took seriously ill two weeks ago and spent a week in the ICU and ventilator. Besides contemplating life and circumstances, these two weeks gave me a lot of time with my thoughts. Some just endlessly waiting on doctors for updates, some just because I had hours where I just wanted to be by myself and not talk to or see anybody. I learnt many things, but some deserve to be documented. This will be a note to self in the future. 

1. Grief is very equalising. It doesn’t matter if you arrive in an auto, a bus, a BMW, you still are at the mercy of the doctors and nurses watching your loved ones. You all will likely pause at the Ganesha on the ground floor and pray. Grief is probably the most unifying, humbling and equalising force there is. 
2. Caregiving is lonely. Very. I had post natal periods of feeling terrible empty and lonely because I felt like my baby needed only me, I wanted to catch a break and some sleep but there wasn’t any to be had, I constantly worried over him and obsessed over every small sneeze even. It’s the same I’ve felt for my mother. And through all the endless waiting times, trips back and forth, I’ve not felt lonelier before. 
3. Grief also has a very long shelf life. I relived the accident in which I lost my dad a hundred times, continued to be able to smell the tar from the crash and a feeling of emptiness when I remembered how I went back home and had to move on with real life shit. I thought I’d have forgotten the little details after 25 long years. But turns out, not. In retrospect I also thanked god sometimes that he went through none of this suffering. On the first day of my mom’s hospitalisation, I had nightmares of the build up to the accident. It was unreal. Like someone opened Pandora’s box and Pandora had a bloody good memory all this while. 
4. Marrying right is one of the best things I’ve done. Knowing I have someone I can go back to, eat my Dal chawal with and someone to throw a blanket over me when I pass out on the couch is what real love stories are made of. 
5. There’s a life out there in the real. Outside of laptops, Teams, Outlook, Bellandur metro traffic, office dramas. There’s a world that exists parallel to mine. Where doctors, nurses still scribble vitals on a large folded A3 with a Reynolds pen. In unfortunate circumstances like this, we meet.
6. I watched an entire terribly trashy K drama (16 episodes of 1.25 hours each by the way) over ten days on my way to the hospital and back. Sometimes in the waiting space of the ICU, where I waited for two hours on some days to see my mom for one hour. I coped, I survived, I found a way to cut myself out of the people around me, some of who were with much more serious patients than mine. I sometimes amped up the volume, on full noise cancellation when someone would receive bad news and break down sobbing next to me. I did whatever I could to just exist and not fall apart. I’m probably never going to judge someone in a hospital waiting room watching shows on their phone (maybe if they’re very loud, but I won’t roll my eyes at them I’m sure). 
7. English classes about sympathy vs. empathy become real. There’s always going to be people to pretend to care and those who really do. Events like these make this distinction even clearer. It hits home hard but in retrospect it’s everything your heart always knew but didn’t want to accept. Also, having friends like family who ask me everyday HOW ARE YOU means the world. 
8. Some people mean well but just don’t know how to show it. They’ll try to guilt you about not answering the phone when you’re probably contemplating existence. Some of them mean well. Some, well. Okay. 
9. Medical insurance is horribly under-rated, under-discussed and misunderstood. 
10. In times like this it’s easy to beat yourself up about making certain choices which might seem like a bad daughter, a bad wife, or a bad mother. But I want to write my own affirmation here, that being a good enough person is grossly under rated. Fulfilling all roles par excellence is great but even fulfilling them just above passing marks is fine - as long as you are able to be your own hero, your own warm cup of hot chocolate, your best support. As long as you can wake up the next day, with the same hope that it will be a better day than yesterday, be the very average person but be there for yourself.